Don't Let Go
by corsairr
Summary: Post-ME3; Destroy ending. Joker visits Shepard in the hospital and realizes how much he missed her.


Occasionally the door would swoosh open and cut the suffocating silence. Their hopes of seeing the Commander walk through that door steadily crumbled each time an oblivious doctor stepped through and passed them without even a glance.

Joker knew the crew were expecting him to deliver a witty one-liner to lighten the mood. But for the first time since Alenko's untimely death, nothing came to mind- and with good reason. They'd gone three weeks believing their beloved Commander had been obliterated by the Crucible's explosion, and now here she was, out of no where, severely injured but breathing.

He'd remember that desperately relieved feeling for the rest of his life when he received the news. Apparently, Hackett sent a PSA to the entirety of the Normandy, which would explain why they were all here beside Joker in the waiting room.

His fists were trembling with impatience. He wanted to grab one of these _fucking_ doctors by the throat and scream, _Just let us see her already! _He could only remember feeling such an unholy rage one other time in his life, and that time was, unsurprisingly, watching Shepard die from the window of his escape pod.

The pain was unbearable and not because it hurt, but because it was such an alien feeling to him. He hid himself behind walls of sarcasm and cockiness and he sincerely believed he was immune to feelings like this. When Shepard "died", she'd crushed down those walls just as she would a Reaper.

"Keelah, what's taking so long?" muttered Tali exasperatedly, her masked head turned towards the door.

Garrus rested a hand on her shoulder comfortingly and Joker felt another rush of fury. He wasn't jealous of Garrus for scoring the manic pixie dream girl, no. He was angry because he never took the time to do that to Shepard when _she_ needed it. He imagined Shepard telling him not to dwell on what could have been and then he imagined flipping her off to that advice.

The door swooshed open and several breaths hitched as a doctor strolled in. Could this be the one?

The doctor held a data pad in her calloused hands, coming to a halt when she stepped over the threshold. Her eyes scanned the pad's contents, doe eyes narrowed slightly, chapped lips parted. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and tapped her foot critically.

Joker snapped. "Are you going to tell us what the hell is going on with Shepard?" His voice surprised him with its strength and edge.

She looked up from her data pad, pursing her lips disapprovingly at Joker. "We will accept one visitor at a time. Who will go first?"

Several people stood up, Joker included. He looked around, meeting the eyes of James, Ashley, Tali, and Garrus. Joker wasn't going to back down. He shook his head at them. "None of _you_ drove her through the Omega 4 Relay and back. You can wait."

With that, he strode past them with a bitter arrogance to his walk. The others thankfully didn't try to protest. The doctor, later identified as Dr. Tayna, guided Joker to Shepard's room. His heart was drumming against his chest to the point where he thought he was going to break a rib- literally.

As he expected, survivor's guilt washed over him during that never-ending walk. He should have tried harder to save her from that explosion. He should have evacuated immediately like the rest of the crew when the SR1 went down. _Stop dwelling on what could have been,_ Shepard's voice reminded him.

He must have temporarily blacked out or something, because the next thing he knew when he opened his eyes, he was standing beside Shepard's cot with his mouth agape in shock. He was used to seeing scars on her, but these didn't feel like scars to him. They felt like a shot to his own heart and he couldn't believe he was feeling this way towards his Commander.

She was missing a patch of curly hair on the right side of her head, exposing the burned raw skin of her scalp. All along her temple, forehead, and the beneath of her eye was covered in a burn scar that not even the most expensive tech could hide. Her dark skin was bruised, bloodied, stitched, and scarred in every place visible to Joker.

Joker's eyes snapped back up to her now-green ones. Her scars from the Lazarus Project no longer glowed, and he supposed he could feel a smudge of joy in that. Those cybernetics were creepy.

And for the second time that day, he was speechless.

She hoisted herself up with surprising strength. He was relieved to see she looked worse than she was.

"Did you bring my cigarettes?" were the first words out of her mouth.

And he couldn't help but laugh. A relieved, breathless laugh, ridden with grief. He felt his eyes grow wet from tears of joy. This was her, this was the real Sophia Shepard who would slay a Reaper force, nearly die, then while laying in a hospital bed after being on the brink of annihilation, ask if he'd brought her cigarettes. _God,_ it was surreal.

Never mind her bad habit. He'd never been more happy to contribute to it. He nodded, swiping at his eyes begrudgingly, and pulled the pack of menthol cigarettes from his pocket and tossed it to her. He watched with a dazed smile, eyes still wet, as she slowly took one of the slender tubes from the pack and used the lighter stowed away in it to ignite it.

He was content to just watch her while a comfortable silence took over. He studied her as her chest heaved up and down with oxygen intake, breathing in the smoke of her cigarette then exhaling it slowly and repeating the process. She seemed to be on the same page as him with the comfortable silence trope.

After she finished, stabbing the desk carelessly with the cherry to put it out, she shifted and finally turned her attention to him. "You look like shit," she commented playfully.

Joker agreed. His hair- hatless -was ruffled and he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. He'd also slacked off in shaving and grown a short beard. All of this paled in comparison to Shepard's state, though. "Says the woman looking like she just walked away from a brawl with several krogan," he retorted with a wry smirk.

She chuckled. "Good to see you, Joker."

"You too, Commander."

She flinched at the title but didn't comment. "Listen, about EDI..." Her voice crumbled into a whisper.

Joker refused to touch that subject. He refused to even think about it. "No need, Shepard. You did what you had to. I don't blame you." He was grateful for what little time he shared with EDI and he preferred to leave it at that.

She nodded understandingly and let out a shaky breath. "Have you heard from your family?"

Another touchy subject he didn't want to think about. He cut Hackett off before the war hero could tell him what killed his family. "They're dead." He wrenched the sorrow from his voice and replaced it with a stoic hardness. Anyone who survived this war had to learn how to do that.

Shepard went quiet. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I'm not," He grasped the chair beside him and pulled it over to her bedside, then slid into it. _Gunny was only fifteen,_ his thoughts betrayed him. He gritted his teeth and closed his eyes, brows furrowed. When he opened them, his expression returned to its neutrality. "How about you? Heard from your mom?"

She shook her head. "Missing in action."

That wasn't promising news. Joker was never even proficient in comforting people, so he didn't even attempt. Then he remembered Garrus doing something as simple as resting his hand on Tali's shoulder to reassure her. Hesitantly, Joker took Shepard's hand in his. It was the oddest feeling, touching flesh and blood instead of cold metal. He could feel Shepard's blood pumping through her hands and the veins lining up to her knuckles and he felt the disbelief return of her actually being alive.

She didn't flinch away, much to Joker's relief. He didn't have a lot of experience in women outside of watching on the sidelines as other guys woo'd their lady. Her fingers tightened around his palm.

It was awkward.

Sitting there in silence just holding each other's hand. They didn't know _why_ they were doing it; they'd shared virtually no physical contact over the years. But after something like the Reapers, holding someone's hand who was a stranger to your body felt like the right thing to do.

The quiet allowed too much space for thought.

He was suddenly twelve years old again and holding the hand of his baby sister, walking her to her first day of kindergarten. _"Come on, Jeffy. It's just kindergarten." _she'd said after he refused to let go when she tugged.

He was terrified to let go of her tiny little hand. What if the other kids bullied her or stole her lunch? What if they pulled her pigtails or told her she was ugly? The thought of a big meat-eater hurting his little sister made his blood boil.

But she was ready, he reminded himself. He sighed. "Alright. Just... be safe. If the other kids pick on you, call me."

She grinned, her two front teeth missing. "I won't need to. I'll beat them up!" With that, she released his hand and trotted off to the beginning of her life.

Fifteen years old and saying good-bye to his parents before he went off to flight school. He grasped his mother's hand for dear life, terrified of leaving the bird's nest and flying off into that vast, infinite galaxy. Infinity always scared the shit out of him.

_ "You'll do fine, Jeff," _his mother told him, giving his hand an encouraging squeeze. She was wary of his fragility and remained careful not to push it. _"Prove to them you can fly and you'll be immortal to anything they say to discourage you." _

Eighteen years old sitting in the cockpit of a frigate for the first time. He gripped the mantle and took a deep breath, imagining his mother's hands in place of the mantle. His heart felt like it was going to burst into pieces and join the stardust of the galaxy. At least then, he'd be _part_ of infinity.

He remembered his mother's words and repeated them over and over and over again, thinking them to himself, whispering them to himself, saying them aloud to himself until he regained his confidence and released the mantle. _"Nobody ever doubted Stephen Hawking and he was in a worse state than you are. Prove yourself to people and you get to piss them off because they can't get to you."_

Then twenty-seven years old and gripping Shepard's hand so tightly he was about to break his own bone. The _Normandy SR1_ was up in flames, as heartbreaking as it was to see. He was glad her hands were gloved so they couldn't feel how sweaty his were. He knew if he let go, he'd die or he'd lose her. He couldn't figure out which was worse.

She lowered him into the escape pod, having to release Joker's hand to do so. Joker panicked and quickly retook the hand.

_"Don't let go,"_ he'd ordered.

But she didn't have a choice when the explosion hit.

When he snapped out of his memories, he found Shepard watching him with the most curious expression. "What are you thinking about?" she inquired.

Joker glanced down at their entwined hands to make sure she was still there. She deserved more than to hear his idiotic obsession with holding hands. His lips curved, the difference between a smirk and a smile indecipherable. "Just glad you're back."

"Yeah, so, I was thinking," She paused thoughtfully. "Neither of us have someone to... you know, live with, and I don't wanna be alone. How do you feel about living in my apartment with me? I'd ask Cortez or Traynor but uh... wanted to ask you first."

He stared at her blankly. He'd practically lived with her for the past five years or so anyway, and he_did_ want to make sure she was still breathing without having to take a night trip to Rio every day. But her offering _him_ of all people... that part didn't make sense to him. Sure, he was one of three people who'd been there from the very beginning, but...

Ah. Tali and Garrus would likely be living together and Shepard evidently didn't want to be a third wheel. Who would? Still, Joker had his doubts. For all his arrogance and snark, he, like everyone else, had his insecurities. He also couldn't figure if she was asking for just a roommate or something more.

Thing was, there was no military chain of command to give him an excuse to reject her twice.

"Alright," he said casually, his tone providing no evidence to his curiosity.

She smiled. "Cool. We can talk more about it later. Send in Ash."

She went to release his hand and without thinking, Joker chased it back into cradling his. She arched her brow questioningly as he realized his fault, then quickly let go. "Sorry. Will do," he mumbled.

When he stood up, he nearly tumbled over the heart monitor. "Shit." Shepard laughed from behind him and he sent a begrudging look over his shoulder at her before exiting the room.

Living with Commander Shepard. What could go wrong?


End file.
